Mom's Thoughts on Paradise

If you're reading Jens blog (http://thoughtsofparadise.blogspot.com/), you've heard that we got the kid a new car. We picked it up about a week before she got home from college. But, until she got home from UF, I sent her a daily update on the status of her new car. Thought I'd post them now since I hadn't started the blog at that time. (Sorry if this post is a bit long).

Thur Apr 22 - Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but it seems that a helicopter was moving a bunch of port-a-potties. Unfortunately, the cable broke the the port-a-potties plummeted to earth. The good news is that they missed your car. The bad news is that they fell onto a pile of wood your dad had stacked for a new project and propelled the wheel-barrow 25-ft into the air where it unfortunately landed upside down on your new car, dumping its load of wet concrete. But, we were able to wash off the concrete and after the windshield is replaced, it will be as good as new.

Fri Apr 23 - Had a new wildlife sighting at the house - a good sized-black bear. The bear must have been attracted to the burger wrappers and fries that your dad dropped on the floor of your car. Unfortunately, the bear broke in through the driver's side window and tore up the seats a bit. Then, he must of knocked it into neutral and it rolled into the pond. Dad yanked it out with the tractor. I'm heading to Home Depot to get another roll of duct tape to finish repairing the seats and some plastic to cover the windows (after it has a few days to dry out).

Sat Apr 24 - Had a bit of a problem yesterday. Dad used your new car to run some errands. On the way back, he thought it would be nice to wash off all the pollen, so he stopped at the car wash. Well, it seems that the car wash uses an water conditioner additive for better washing. Unfortunately, the plant that makes the additive also makes glue. They had a new kids on the job who mixed up the labels between the glue and the water conditioner additive and the car got sprayed with glue. After realizing what happened, Dad headed up 321 to use a different car wash to remove the glue. On the way, there was an accident in front of him. A big 18-wheeler was hit and the back of the rig broke open, spewing its contents all over the place - there were feathers everywhere as the truck was carrying a load of down. Anyway, Dad couldn't get to the other car wash to remove the glue and feathers, but we think we can peel it off after it dries.

Sun Apr 25 - As I mentioned last night, there were all sorts of weather alerts for our area - hail, heavy winds, tornadoes, etc. So, wanting to keep your car safe, Dad moved it into the barn for protection. Unfortunately, weather wasn't the problem last night. A meteor hit the barn. But, the good news is that it missed your car, although poor uncle Harry got flattened. But. what we hadn't realized is that the barn was built on top of a pretty large sinkhole covered with a limestone roof. The meteor crash cracked the sinkhole roof and everything collapsed into the pit. We'll have a crane later today to fish out your car. (As a footnote, "Uncle Harry" is a Halloween decoration - a coffin with a body (Harry), who jumps up from the coffin via remote control).

Mon Apr 26 - We had quite a bit of excitement her in Lenoir City this morning. It seems that two PETA enthusiasts decided to rob the bank in order to get funding for their new advertising campaign. The LC cops responded promptly and a chase ensued. The guys ended up crashing into a truck, which they promptly stole to continue their escape. Anyway, the truck was one of those flatbeds carrying a vat of molten aluminum. The chase continued, and ended up going down Hotchkiss Valley Road. Desperate to escape, the guys turned down our road, hoping to elude the cops. As they headed up the road, the coyotes began to howl and respond to the police sirens. As the guys approached the front of our house, the whole pack of coyotes darted across the road in front of the truck. Being PETA members, they stomped on the breaks to avoid hitting any of the coyotes. Unfortunately, (you knew this was coming, didn't you), the molten aluminum sloshed out of the vat and coated your car. We're hoping that once it cools, we can remove the aluminum shell. (Footnote - We actually have a quite large coyote population which howls in response to any sirens).

Tue Apr 27 - Thought you might be interested to hear what happened to Randy and his son. Don't know if you know, but there's a cave on the Brewster's property. Randy and his son decided to go exploring, so they took a bunch of flashlights and ropes and explored the cave. At one point, they couldn't go any farther as the opening was blocked by some fallen rocks. They decided to clear the rocks to see how much further the cave went. As they cleared the rocks, they began to hear some "shuffling" noises, and these weird looking, sort of human-like bodies (maybe they were zombies) began to appear out of the cave. Randy and his son got out of the cave as quick as they could, but the zombies followed. Randy told little Randy to run home, and Randy began to lead the zombies away. He ended up going coming across our field and headed toward the barn, hoping to hide in there until help came. But, there were just too many and the eventually managed to get into the barn. Randy dove into your car as his last hope. The zombies swarmed the car, chanting "brains, brains." The zombies used the fire axe to break into your car and now poor Randy is zombified too. Finally, Dad got home and we managed to round up the zombies, chasing them with his propane torch, and we sealed them back in the cave.

Wed Apr 27 - I don't know if I mentioned that your father has decided to build another out-building. Guess the garage and barn isn't enough room. So, he's started to clear off a space in the field for the new building. There was a pine tree in the way which he cut down, but he also had to get the stump out. He tried digging around it, put pines put down deep tap roots. So, he tried to yank it out with the tractor with no success. So, I finally called one of my friends from ATI who has a TN blaster's license. He came over with a few sticks of dynamite to blow the sump away. He did everything he was supposed to. Put up caution tape, protective stuff by the barn, etc. Unfortunately, he hadn't realized Maggie was loose. Just after he lit the fuse, Maggie came by and stole the dynamite. The 2 men chased after her, and Maggie was just having a great time playing keep-away. Fortunately, Maggie got distracted by a squirrel, dropped the dynamite, and ran off. Unfortunately, she dropped the dynamite and it rolled under your new car. We were able to salvage a few pieces and one tail light. I'll contact the insurance company later today.